Susan Cole talks to positive women and negative men about sex, relationships and HIV
Would you have sex with an HIV positive woman?" I"ve been asking a lot of men that question recently. No, this isn"t my new chat-up line -"fancy a shag, big boy?" still works fine, thank you. I"ve been attempting to discover how HIV negative men regard sex with a positive woman. I"ve been surprised at the response. Most men I spoke to said that a woman"s HIV positive status would not be a barrier to starting a relationship with her. But how do positive women regard this? What impact does it have on their libido and on starting and maintaining fulfilled sexual relationships?
Is HIV a liability for a lady"s libido?
For many women, their libido plummets when they discover that they are HIV positive. Sex is often the first casualty of a positive diagnosis and is sometimes regarded as "dirty", but this usually passes with time. Women often find resuming sexual relationships problematic, initially, usually because of the fear of the reaction when they disclose their status.
Some turn to more casual relationships in which they don"t feel the need to disclose. "For the first year after I was diagnosed, I would only go out with a man once or twice and would end the relationship as soon as we became close. I didn"t want the hassle of having to tell him I was positive and deal with his reaction", said Alison, a 32-year-old Afro-Londoner.
Others are upfront about their status at the very beginning of a relationship or wait until they are more comfortable with their partner.
Thandi Haruperi, 40-year-old, former PN cover star and mother of three, who"s well-known in London"s HIV community, has this to say about her sexual relationships:
"I wasn"t in a relationship when I was diagnosed, but I met a guy 12 days later. I started seeing him (but we weren"t having sex) and he asked me to go away with him. I thought it was very important that I told him about my status before we went away together. When I told him I broke down and cried. He just held me and said "so are you still going to pack your bags?" We went away together, but each time I thought about sex, I thought "this is how I got it."
"He was very understanding about me not wanting to have sex and he was very good to me and to my children. However it did put a strain on our relationship. I think it was too early to get into a physical relationship. After five months we split up.
"I thought it might be better to go out with an HIV positive man. We were together for a year but being HIV positive wasn"t the cause of problems in the relationship. I"ve not had a relationship with another HIV positive person since. The fact that I am HIV positive has not been an issue for the men I"ve been involved with, I think that"s because my status isn"t a problem for me. I am always the one that insists on using a condom. I always tell men that I have HIV at the earliest opportunity. HIV shouldn"t be a barrier to having a relationship; you should focus on the person you are and not the fact that you are HIV positive. Why should I compromise my standards because I have HIV?"
Pamela, a 42-year-old African woman, talks about her experiences:
"I definitely went off sex when I was first diagnosed. I just couldn"t be bothered and was afraid of infecting others. I made the mistake of thinking that I was the problem and didn"t stop to think that they might also be positive. I found the thought of disclosing my status very anxiety-provoking, but I always knew that I would tell before I started a physical relationship. The first time I told a man about my status I was extremely anxious. However he was incredibly supportive; his reaction actually shocked me. I was certain that he would walk away, but he didn"t! It was a real morale and confidence booster. Our relationship fizzled out after a while but this was due to distance and not my status. I think fear of rejection is the real issue for positive women. I think your first experience is very important as well as what you hear from others."
Sylvia Petretti, 37, from Italy recalls her first post-diagnosis relationship:
"I was so confused when I was diagnosed, but it didn"t really put me off sex. I started a relationship soon after and told him about my status immediately, without really thinking about the consequences - he told lots of people about it and it did affect us badly. I"ve been in other relationships since and have had lots of different reactions to saying I"m HIV positive. I try now to get to know the person before I tell them, particularly after my first bad experience. This can also cause problems - I worry about them thinking I"ve been lying to them or being reckless. It is a concern. My sex drive isn"t affected by being HIV positive, but relationships can be difficult."
"For a long time I didn"t say I was HIV positive until I felt very comfortable with someone. They were usually okay about it. I have had some negative responses though and someone did really freak out once. The anti-HIV medication has definitely had an impact on my sexual desire. I started it five years ago and have since pushed people away, even though I feel completely alone. I"ve recently made an appointment to talk to a psychologist about sexual dysfunction. I sometimes feel like a failure and that also has an impact on my sex drive and relationships."
...does it mask a man"s machismo?
Simon, 22, is white European and is in a relationship with an HIV positive woman. "I grew up with the whole "Don"t Die of Ignorance" campaigns around me, which had exactly the intended effect - you just don"t have sex with a positive person, it"s not really an option.
"But meeting someone who is positive turns it all around. You obviously fall for the person themselves, and after you"ve acknowledged that the risk of infection is so small if you practise safer sex, it ceases to become an issue. Sex can be just as good, often better.
"While sex may not be an issue, there are other issues that come up while having a relationship with a positive person. It"s a worry of mine that there may come a point where I have to disclose my girlfriend"s status to my family and friends, and if that happens coping with an unsupportive reaction may be difficult to deal with."
Matthew, 28, white European and HIV negative, is also currently in a relationship with an HIV positive woman.
"When my girlfriend told me she had something awful to tell me about her, after we"d been seeing each other for about a month, I was convinced that it was something truly horrific. I thought she was going to say that she had murdered her last boyfriend or had previously been a man and had had a sex change, so in some ways hearing that she was HIV positive was rather anti-climatic! I was upset, but that was much more about the fear of her dying rather than the fear of me catching it. It was much more of an issue to her than it was for me. We had always had safe sex but I felt the need to find out more about HIV and the means of transmission, so I made an appointment to see a health advisor at her clinic and this put my mind at ease. The fact that she is HIV positive isn"t an issue for me at all and it never crosses my mind when we have sex. We always use condoms but it is still the best sex I"ve ever had!"
Steve, 26, is white European and bisexual. He is HIV negative.
"I have always used condoms and until recently only had sex with men. It is impossible to know how many of my sex partners have been HIV positive, but I guess it is a high proportion.
"When I had sex with a positive woman, I thought it was very important to be clear from the start that her HIV status was of no issue to me. Her sexual confidence had been what had attracted me but I had worries that she might have felt vulnerable because our status was different and been covering it up. The sex was great, life-enhancing even. The fact that she was on her period did not bother me.
"I have no anxiety whatsoever about having a relationship with someone HIV positive, male or female. I do not see HIV as a barrier to anything, certainly not to happiness. It disgusts me that we live in a society where HIV positive people may still be made to feel unwanted or unattractive."
Some of the names have been changed in this article.
